A toddler birthday party can be a terrifying experience, especially if you are the parent crazy enough to host 20 little rugrats plus a parent or two, at your home. If you choose to go this route, please, for the love of all that is holy, pay attention to the details. Details like the ones listed below are the reason I throw my twins’ birthday extravaganzas at Peter Piper Pizza. Beer + pay $100 + just show up with a cake = perfect in my book.
Sure, the play place might be a germ-infested nightmare and the pizza might suck. However, there are just too many damn things to remember and God forbid, if another snarky mommy blogger were to show up and start compiling a mental list of shit to do and not do if she ever lost her ever loving mind and decided to throw a toddler birthday party at her house based on the chaos that occurred at my kid’s party. However, if you are determined to be a glutton for punishment and decide to host a toddler birthday party at your home may I offer the following tips:
- Do offer booze, because God knows with 25 toddlers running around, every parent in attendance is going to need a drink. I don’t care if the party is at 10am. A nice, elegant mimosa will do nicely to take the edge off.
- Don’t have your toddler’s besties remove their shoes before ensuring that your lawn and sand area are free from thistle growing weeds containing teeny tiny thorns. The last thing you want is 25 toddlers crying because they have hair follicle size stickers on the bottom of their feet that are impossible to remove.
- Do not offer favor bags with candy. I do not want to fight with my 3 year old the entire way home from the birthday party over why he can’t have 25 hershey kisses, all at once. I know, I sound like a party pooper but you try blocking out the sound of 2 screeching toddlers on a 15 minute drive home. Excruciating.
- Please spend time on the details, like seating. For example, if you are having a party for 12 three year olds, for the love of all that is holy, make sure you have enough seating for the kids and the parents. If you have enough money to rent a bouncy house, you have enough money to rent some extra tables.
- When you are planning on having food, have the appropriate utensils available. Also, setting up a separate table for the food works well, instead of placing the delicacies you are serving, like hot dogs and fruit, in the center of the 25 foot long table that people are trying to eat at. I’m sure Suzie Homemaker did not appreciate my armpit in her face as she was trying to shove a hot dog in her mouth.
- Do not offer popsicles. Cake, yogurt, and juice provide plenty of sugar for my three year olds thankyouverymuch. Plus, I don’t feel like cleaning up the inevitable sticky mess said toddlers will create with the frozen colored goodness.
- If you are going to have the seating area in the garage, please make sure to lock up the damn tools and other non child friendly items. Your toddler might leave that shit alone, but he sees it every day. My kid looks at this shit and thinks he’s hit the mother lode. The last thing I want to do is chase Junior around saying, “Leave that hammer alone. Don’t touch that, you could cut your arm off, no really, honey you could cut your arm off. Knock it off!” I would like to sit down and enjoy my mimosa (see numbers 1 and 4 above).
- When I call to RSVP and ask what kind of toys your kid is into, do not reply with, “Oh, you don’t have to bring anything. He has plenty.” I am not going to be the only douchebag mom not bringing a gift, so scratch that lady. Please have a couple of ideas in mind in preparation for this inevitable question. And do not repeat the same idea to every single mom that asks. Not everybody includes gift receipts, you know.
- Open the flipping birthday presents after all the other little rugrats have GONE HOME. This last one is going to be pretty controversial, but I am going to go with it anyway. My toddlers are 3 and freak the eff out when they are all supposed to sit in a circle and watch the birthday boy open shiny new toys that they can’t play with. You think the birthday boy is going to want to share his brand spanking new hot wheels motorized car. Hell, no. Then I am left with two sobbing, slobbery hot messes. Time to go.
Good luck to you my party throwing friends. Save the date, turkeys turn 4 on June 20th, and Peter Piper Pizza is ready and waitin’ for us.
Two things: first, the pizza at Peter Piper most definitely does not suck. The salad and wings are good too, so that’s a bonus for us parents. Second, I always give movie gift cards and popcorn vouchers as birthday party gifts. Everyone goes to the movies, duplication doesn’t hurt, and it’s not another piece of Chinese-made plastic clutter.
Jennifer recently posted..Let’s talk about sex, baby.
I, too, am the mother of twins . . .though my twins will be 26 in November. Maybe we will go to Chuck E. Cheese (just kidding!!). This post made me laugh out loud!! I could feel your frustration and I could remember it well. Tired child after a birthday party times two – plus sugar overload . . .oh goodness – I remember those days. The one thing that has changed in the last 25 years is the birthday child opening gifts after everyone leaves – I’ve noticed that trend here in alabama also. I love reading your blog!!
oops – made a typo in my blog address – sorry!
Lisa recently posted..My very own scrapbook retreat . . .spread out over several weekends
I do not think I could agree with number one more!! And number 8 is so, so true!
Andrea recently posted..The Not So Merry Christmas
I personally love point #1. Big fan! If you cover that one the rest will just kinda fall into place!
Warmest regards,
Joy
http://www.PardonMyPoppet.com
Joy recently posted..Just Like a New Mum!
This! THIS!!! LOL!! I love it.
Courtney recently posted..{BabyBelly}+Giveaway
Too funny!!! I would never have thought about the candy in the bag – I’m still new at the gift bag thingy. I’ll know to avoid that.
The opening of the gift thing IS controversial. I don’t think you can ever win with that one.
Leigh
http://www.oneandoneequalstwinfun.com
Leigh @oneandoneequalstwinfun.com recently posted..Wordless Wednesday – Letting the Images Speak for Themselves
the opening the gift thing depends on their age. I *did* put on the invite “no gifts please” for the year 1 and year 2 birthdays. I allowed gifts for 3, 4, and 5, but at 3 and 4 I just put them aside for after the party – to avoid anyone else’s kid feeling left out. At age 5, I read tip where you don’t make a huge deal about the gifts by doing it all at once – you let your kid open the gift as each guest walks in the door – then there are more toys to play with, the gift-giver gets special one-on-one attention for what they brought, and there is no long, gift-opening session at the end when everyone is ready to go home.
The Next Step recently posted..The Black Hole of Christmas Break
This is too funny, and TRUE!!
Pamela / Pamela’s Heavenly Treats recently posted..Whole Wheat Vanilla Sugar Cookie
Okay, Bossy McBosserson! I have violated at LEAST four of your rules. So there.
Great blog! Do you have any recommendations
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I have to brag here – I have a 5yo and I nailed EVERY ONE of those at each of her previous birthday parties! I am SO with you on no candy in the goody bag – I always do a pinata at the end full of plastic toys and mardi gras beads – the kids go bat shit, I didn’t spend a lot on stuff I know is destined for the garbage, and I’m not sending candy home with the guests. I throw a GREAT kid birthday party. At home. With NO bounce house.
Want to come to the next one?
The Next Step recently posted..The Black Hole of Christmas Break
I also have twins – they will be 3 in March. 1st and 2nd birthdays were EASY – not sure what to do about 3rd.
The Next Step recently posted..The Black Hole of Christmas Break
I’ll be there sister! Let me know when and where
This is why mine got one birthday party each. When they turned 10. I can easily handle 5 or 6 ten year old boys. Put me in a room or yard with a handful of three year old’s and the snot and slobber will be coming from me.
My Half Assed Life recently posted..Vibrators and Debit Cards
I hear that sister! xoxo
Kids birthday parties are a rite of passage for kids – and the 7th circle of hell for parents! Especially with a group of mommies who don’t know each other! I spend the time counting down the minutes and slathering myself in antibacterial goop! But it is SO much easier to host it elsewhere!
Tracy @ Momaical recently posted..With Love from the Lavatory
Peter Piper here we come for the 3rd year in a row
xoxo
SO happy you linked this up on the Blog Hop! #8 made me laugh out loud! “Douchebag mom…scratch that lady!” And yes, I never have parties at home without booze…
And #3? YES! Thank you! WHY do people do that?
Loved this post- hooray!
Stephanie @ Mommy, for real. recently posted..My Top Ten Tweets of Twenty-Twelve
Thanks mama! I had fun writing this one, for sure. I giggled out loud a few times at myself. Is that bad? xoxo
I want to come your kid’s next birthday party. Can I? And you know it’s just because of this: “Do offer booze, because God knows with 25 toddlers running around, every parent in attendance is going to need a drink. I don’t care if the party is at 10am.” Visting from Chance of Wine’s Best of 2012 Blog Hop.
nothingbythebook recently posted..Embracing Chaos: unParenting unResolutions
Mimosas are on the house sister
xoxo
good list. and please, remember, just because i invited one of your children, does not mean i invited your whole family.
Amen mama! This has yet to happen to us, but I am sure it will. xoxo