Miracle Baby Monday is on hiatus this week. I have something very important to share with you and it simply cannot wait.
I’ve always said that I want to use this blog as a platform to help others. Today I will be talking about something, I had hoped never to experience.
Today, I will be talking about Domestic Violence.
I am very fortunate to have a husband who respects and loves me. There are so many women out there that do not.
This weekend, I helped a very good friend of mine, C, pack her belongings and those of her daughter to leave her husband after 5 years of marriage.
Her husband, the man who promised, before God, family and friends to love, honor and cherish his wife for all the days of his life, had been terrorizing her for the better part of a year. The abuse had reached all levels of trauma: emotional, physical and sexual. She had to barricade herself in her room at night because when he was drunk, the locks did no good.
A couple of weeks ago, he did the unthinkable. Something so heinous, that I am respecting her wishes by not putting it in print, but suffice it to say it was the final straw.
Why did she stay with him for so long? I know that is probably the #1 question people who have never suffered violence at the hand of a husband or significant other often ask. Why? How can you let him do that to you? Why can’t you just leave?
After getting married, C settled into her life as a stay at home wife and mother. She kept the house immaculate, the family fed with a variety of delicious meals. She is a spectacular cook; I’ve had the opportunity to sample several of her dishes, which she claims she just throws together. I could never throw together anything that yummy, I assure you.
She did this for 5 years. She was out of the workforce for 5 long years. She had no money of her own, except for $1000 she had managed to stash away. Her husband controlled the finances and would question her at length regarding all of her purchases. She also has a daughter to take care of.
Speaking of her daughter, I should mention that none of this abuse occurred when her daughter, B, was home. B spends a great deal of time with her biological father. The abuse would occur when she was away at her dad’s or at school, she was never a witness.
C’s parents live thousands of miles away and, as adults, we all know how difficult it is to ask our parents for help. C also suffers from depression and as a result the abuse would just drive her self esteem lower and lower until she felt that the situation was hopeless and she was worthless.
Like most abusers, her husband held the money over her head. Consistently telling her that he wouldn’t give her any money to leave and refusing to leave himself. She didn’t know how she could support herself and she was terrified she would have no choice but to send her daughter to live with her father on a full time basis.
When C confided the details to myself and our other friend, S, we all prayed. We prayed that God would provide us with a way to get her out. C was prepared to sleep on our couches and in our guest rooms if need be. Although for a victim of domestic violence, relying on friends in that way is incredibly difficult and does not help the self esteem, but she would have been safe.
While the final incident was horrible and I wish beyond all wishes that it had never occurred, there exists proof of what he has done to her. This proof is what allowed C’s friend to negotiate money for her departure. 3 months rent and a little bit of spending money was procured for C to start her new life. Our friend was able to find her a fully furnished condo just 5 minutes from her daughter’s school. God answered our prayers.
Thursday night, we had our final organizational meeting for our church’s ladies luncheon. We were all on the planning committee. S, C and I were all anxious, because our plans had been made. Immediately following the meeting, we were going to C’s house to pack her belongings and get her the hell away from her husband. S had arranged for a mutual male friend to be there for our safety.
Helping her to move out was one of the oddest and most awkward experiences of my life. Not because of C, but because her husband was there. He watched us pack everything, and helped to put it in the car. He insisted on being there. One final try to exert control over her.
It didn’t work. We did some nice work, us girls. Out of there in about an hour and fifteen minutes.
I shared a meal with this man at one time. My husband had a few beers with him. He gave my boys high fives.
But underneath the charming exterior, lived a monster.
A monster who saw nothing wrong with the terror he caused his wife. A monster who believed that it was her fault that he acted the way that did.
My dear friend left her husband 4 days ago and while her future is uncertain, she is safe. She can sleep at night. She is making plans to start making money of her own. She has drawn from her innermost strength, strength that she didn’t even know she had, to make the hardest but most necessary decision of her life.
She is the strongest woman I have ever met.
And Myself and S will be with her every step of the way, no matter what.
Friends, if you are reading this and have a monster in your house, please know you are not alone.
No matter how hopeless it may feel, you are not alone. I may not know you, but I will do everything in my power to help you. I have friends all over this country, I will help you find the resources you need to get out.
If you or someone you know is in a domestic violence situation, please visit The National Coalition of Domestic Violence or call 1.800.799.SAFE.
If any of you have other resources you would like to share, please do so in the comment section. Due to the sensitive nature of this topic, I will be closely monitoring all comments.
God Bless.
This was so hard to read because 6 years ago that is what my life looked like with three kids who did witness some pretty hard things. It got to the point where one of us would’ve died if I had stayed. I had enough and came out fighting mad. My Mom and several family members loaded a Uhaul praying he wouldn’t show up. I made it out and will never put up with that again for a second. God will see her through and she will rise above this. This is not her fault! The days ahead will be hard but the freedom from that hell is priceless!
Oh my!! This killed me to read, I couldn’t read the whole thing. I left my abusive alcoholic husband in 2007. It was a miserable life but I got away free and clear. Unfortunately, my Aunt left her abusive drunken, drug addicted husband in Oct of 2010. ((Really hurts to type this)) On January 9, 2011 at 7:22 am I received the most horrifying call of my life. He went into her home where she was sleeping with her new and amazingly sweet boyfriend and he blew the back of her head off with a sawed off shot gun and then turned to the boyfriend and and blew his face off. He then went to his parents home called the police, told him what he had done and then swallowed the gun. His suicide not said “I did it because I loved her and I couldn’t let anyone else have her.” He left three kids without parents. She had 2 kids from a previous marriage and that man died in a car accident. She had one kid with this psycho and he killed himself. My anxiety is through the roof reading this and having flashbacks. Domestic Violence is what made me start blogging. I’m not trying to “pimp” my own blog on your page but I have written multiple blogs in jan of 2011 about all of this and 1 anniversary blog in jan of 2012.
http://liveunscripteduncut.blogspot.com/2011/01/how-much-are-our-thoughts-really-worth.html
I’m hurting for your friend. Truly physically and mentally hurting for her! I am so happy she got out!!!!!!! I will be praying for her and her family as they deal with this.
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Andrea… you are an angel!! I too survived an abusive marriage and managed to get out of it with out anyone’s help… He had alienated me from all my family and friends… he went as far as taking my children away from me due to no fault of mine. Money and connections help men quite a bit, as did his family. I tried to tell them many times what was happening, but never managed to get the words out. I too years later and still healing believe or not., I started my blog to help others. My hat is off to you … and I don’t know exactly where you are in Az.. but I am in El Paso and if you need help I am here to do so. God Bless you and your friends for helping and C for having the courage to leave… and Thank God there weren’t any children!! between them!!!! God Bless you all!!
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Andrea,
I used to prosecute domestic violence offenders full-time.
A quick explanation of why they stay: the abuse is cyclical. In the first stage, he is building up to the violence (demeaning her verbally, telling her she can’t survive without him, that the courts would never believe a loser like her, that she can’t do anything right with a man around — how would she survive on her own). She walks tenderly, hoping not to trigger the rage by burning dinner, getting it on the table late, ironing a shirt and leaving a crease in the sleeve, forgetting to let the dog out at the appointed time. Then, step two: The violence. He beats and berates, feeling justified because she is incompetent, undeserving, unworthy of love. Sometimes, she might actually trigger the event when she feels stronger — knowing she can withstand the punches today, but maybe not tomorrow. Then, step three: the honeymoon. He tells her how sorry he is, that the alcohol made him do it (there are lots of non-violent drunks out there… total copout!), that the stress at work and providing for a family is just unbearable sometimes. She believes him — she wants to know the monster is gone and that the loving guy she desires really lives in there somewhere… and on and on it goes. The building stage gets shorter. The rages get more fierce. The honeymoon doesn’t last all that long.
Women who want to get out, PLEASE CONTACT YOUR LOCAL BATTERED WOMEN’S SHELTER FOR HELP. LEAVING IS DANGEROUS — BUT THERE IS HELP AND HOPE. ONCE YOU LEAVE, GET RID OF THE CELL PHONE. DON’T USE FACEBOOK OR OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA THAT HAS CHECK-INS, ETC.
May God bless your friend as she puts her life back together. May God be with every battered woman and give her friends who truly care, a safe way to leave, and an understanding of how precious and beautiful she is to God!
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wonderful post! God bless you and your friend. I pray for her continued strength!
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My heart just breaks for your friend! I have had 2 sisters go through this, and it literally can break their spirits. It is completely unacceptable what this man has done, and I know he will stand judgement for it, even if not in this life.
I’m so grateful she has a support group as you and S. to help her with the strength she needs to stay strong in this decision. Abuse is not only physical but mental as well and often times they can make you think you can’t make it on your own, and that the abusive relationship is the best you will ever have. It makes it hard for women to leave. And even harder because this is a man they loved, and they sometimes see a glimmer of that man there at times and think, “maybe he will return”.
Your friend will be in our prayers! I’m grateful that our community has finally realized the importance of this topic and has opened a battered women’s rescue center. The actual safe house is kept secret-the community as a whole does not know it’s location, which is good, but we have a thrift store in the middle of town where people donate clothing and other’s can purchase, just like a regular thrift store that helps with the cost to help these women get a new start. If a women is in need of escape, they have information for her there and can help her leave the abusive relationship and get to the safe house.
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You don’t have to publish this comment. This certainly would be a good blog post for a “forum”. What would do if your friend went back after all of this? Ok don’t publish this comment but I would like to hear back from you. This is long ago water under the bridge, but I lost a relationship with my best friend. There wasn’t anything else I could do for her but pray. She went back after the husband abused the dog in her absence. We happened to be on a girls weekend. She had “permission” to go but he was going crazy about what we were doing. It’s just so awful. She left days after returning home to all kinds of crazy. Not even a week later she was back. Within a year they were planning a wedding to “recommit”. She wanted me to be a bridesmaid and I said no. I did decide to attend the wedding at the last minute. We never bounced back after that. That’s been 10 years ago. She finally left him for real last year. I sent her Christmas card to a different address. I always feel bad because I “let her go”. What would you have done?
This issue is so sad and scary. I haven’t experienced domestic violence, but I have witnessed it, and it made me sick. I am so thankful you are there for your friend. God bless you!
Lisa
Columba Lisa Smith recently posted..Mother’s Day Encouragement for Single Moms
You and your friends did an amazing thing. I’m SO thankful your friend and daughter are ok. Its so sad that they had to endure this even for a second. It takes a lot of guts to do what you girls did (even though it was the right thing) and I wish that there were more people like you. I pray for your friend and little girl and may their lives be filled with nothing but happiness and safety. God is watching over them.