The Green Eyed Monster rears it’s ugly head. Every once in awhile when I see a clearly I’m-ready-to-birth-this-child-right-now Mama in all her pregnant glory, I get jealous. I get jealous. Jealous and pissed. And it isn’t the I-want-a-baby type jealousy either. Nope. It is the man-I-would-have-given-anything-to-carry-my-babies to term type jealousy.
As most of you know, my twin boys, Hayden and Logan were born 12 weeks early in June 2008. They were teeny tiny little turkeys weighing just over 2 pounds. Although, next to those beautiful micropreemies, they might as well have been giants in the NICU. While we had been repeatedly warned that it was highly unlikely we would make it to 40 weeks, it never even occurred to me that they would be born any earlier than 37 weeks. I thought for sure that my babies would want to hang out as long as possible in their cozy little spot in my nice cushy uterus, just to drive me bonkers.
I fully expected to get big and uncomfortable. I expected to require my husband to give me nightly foot and back rubs to ease my discomfort. I expected to take the birthing classes. I expected to actually be pregnant during my baby shower. I expected the weekly ultrasound appointments and the non-stress tests. I expected to waddle around during week 36 and be told repeatedly, “Wow, you are huge. Are you having twins?” Which, in my imagination, I would be grinning wildly, while exclaiming, “Why, yes, yes I am!” I expected my best friend who was due three months before I was to give me the nitty gritty on the whole hospital birthing experience. I never expected it to be the other way around. I expected the opportunity to make the decision as to whether we were going to try for a vaginal birth first, before going the C-section route. I expected to be awake to hear my child’s first cry. I expected to leave the hospital no more than 3 days after giving birth with my babies in tow.
So, yes, given all these I expectations, I suppose it is understandable that I am jealous of full term or close to term pregnant chicks. I wanted to be you. I wanted it more than anything.
I desperately wanted to get big, especially since I struggled with weight gain the first trimester. I wanted my husband to spoil me rotten with back rubs and foot massages. I wanted all the expectations to become my reality. Desperately. Completely. Fully.
But jealousy doesn’t hang around too long though, don’t you worry. It generally is quickly replaced with guilt and anger, even healthier emotions. I am pissed at my body. Pissed that my flipping liver couldn’t handle being pregnant with twins and decided to try and kill me. Haha, liver! I showed you, didn’t I? I made it and my boys defeated the odds too! So, there! Eff You, Liver! We won!
That’s when it happens. The peaceful acceptance. I hear the words, “we won” repeating over and over in my head and all the negative emotions cease. We did win. We made it.
I didn’t die.
My boys toughed out a 71 day NICU stay without any lasting complications.
We won.
Love and peace
~Andrea
Yep happens t me too. I get jealous of women having a natural birth of their twins. I didn’t want a c section. But like you said, it doesn’t last long and I’m just thankful for my two beauties
And beauties they are sister
xoxo
I spent 20 weeks on bedrest with my singleton. I was so upset to have missed out on months with his big brother — his precious last months as “only”. With both my boys there were complications. I was upset that we didn’t get those precious snuggle moments and the great “new family” photos. Yet, here we are, 18 and 15 years later, respectively, and they are healthy. That green eyed monster has finally gone away as I realize it’s not about how you start, it’s about how you finish.
Blessings to you all. May you cherish each precious year with your special sons.
Karen Dawkins recently posted..Love More
Thank you Karen. Every year is definitely cherished. xoxo
You won – yay!!! Don’t ever let that horrible green-eyed monster spoil a win for you!
You may not have been made to carry those twins to full term, but you are certainly made to be their perfect mother right now.
All the best,
Kristina
Thank you so much Kristina
xoxo
You can beat the green eyed guy, you said it yourself, you won, focus on that, look at what you have not what you could have had and enjoy it all. Sometimes what we planned and what others have planned for us are not the same and unfortunately they don’t tell us that until we are right in the middle of it and dealing with it. If it was meant to be that way it was because you were strong enough to handle everything thrown your way. proud of you.
Boysmum2 recently posted..Friend Makin’ Monday – Bedroom Habits
Thanks sister
xoxo
I understand what you are saying, I did not have preemies, I got big and fat with all 6 of mine, but when my 4 year old got brain cancer I definitely experienced the green eyed monster. I remember wishing my son had leukaemia instead, I just wanted him to be able to get up and play, I would watch the other cancer kids riding bikes in the hallways at the hospital or taliking away and wish my son could talk with ease. For now he has put cancer in it’s place and he is still fighting the side effects of treatment, but for the most part I have dealt with the green eyed monster but every once in awhile it does try to reat it’s ugly head. Boysmum2 has some good advice! Thanks for sharing your heart!
Cheryl@OntheOldPath recently posted..Seeing Our Worth and the Worth of a Hen
Boy you’d think I would think to proof read before I hit post that should be ‘talking’ instead of taliking and ‘rear it’s ugly head’ sheesh!
Cheryl@OntheOldPath recently posted..Seeing Our Worth and the Worth of a Hen
Tee, hee. You are cute. I do that ALL the time
xoxo
Oh my gosh, Cheryl! I pray he continues to kick cancer’s butt! xoxo
I hear you! I had preemie twins too. My water broke at 28 weeks, but I held them in (while in the hosptial for a month) until 32 weeks. We had a simlar NICU stay and all is just fine now, but I used to have similar feelings as you. I wanted the Kate Gosseling belly (not really) and YES the foot rubs, not the worries and the hosptial stay. It all seems worth the trouble now though…all is well and I couldn’t be more grateful for my little guys! Love your blog! Here again from vB!
Kim
My Twintastic Life
Hi Kim! I love your blog too sister. I’m so glad your babies are healthy. I look forward to getting to know you
I spent a few weeks on bedrest before my singleton was born 5 weeks early. Then of course almost everyone else I know has super easy pregnancies & I am terrible at it. My body tried to keep it from happening too. We do win. We are victorious
Kelly recently posted..Path: A Letter.
Ohmygosh, can I relate to you. I had a placental abruption at 32 weeks after 3 weeks of placenta previa, bedrest and terbutalin for early contractions. It was so miserable and I was so envious of all of these happy, glowing pregnant women. My son was just under 3 lbs. and of course was “huge” and we kept hearing how lucky we were – how dang lucky was I that my son was in an incubator for 4 weeks before I could hold him? But you know, he’s a gigantic 20 yr. old 6’1″ football-playing smarty-pants now and my little old zipper scar seems an impossibly small price to pay for it.
You absolutely won and keep repeating it because every day when you look at your kids is another day when no matter how your babies got there, you brought them the best way possible – and you won. ((hugs))
Barbara recently posted..Wolf Line (Granite Lake Wolves #5)
So glad I’m not alone. And I love hearing stories of itty bitty babies that are now giants. Nice to meet you and thanks for writing. xoxo
Greetings!
I’m trying to visit all the participants of the 2012 A to Z Challenge and I have arrived at your lovely blog. Good luck with the rest of the year!
Donna L Martin
http://www.donasdays.blogspot.com
Thank you for reminding those of us who did get big and cranky to appreciate the fact that we were able to do so! Though I’m not sure who got those nightly foot and back massages…
justanothertiredmommy recently posted..Hi! I’m Nika…
Thanks sister
I don’t know if I would have gotten those massages or not. Probably not, but in my fantasy land I sure did. xoxo
My twin sisters were almost two months early. I was too young to understand at the time. I didn’t understand the NICU or why they had to stay in the hospital. Thankfully, they are mean and healthy as ever! Ha!
I’m hoping this next time around will be a winner for me. Losing stinks.
Kerry recently posted..Baby Steps: Part One
Kerry – Thanks so much for saying hi. I am so hoping things are different for you this next around. I can’t believe those doctors and I am so sorry you had to go through such a sad and terrible experience. YOu are in my prayers sister xoxo